Loving and Leaving

When I first decided for sure I was heading to Argentina I didn’t think that I would worry too much about leaving my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly and I would HATE it if he left me for 10 days, but I thought it would be easy on my end.

But the last week it has kicked in and I am so sad knowing that in less then 5 hours I am leaving him for 10 days. I don’t really know how people do it so much and so often.

I think part of the sadness is that I am going to a different country without him and I am carrying his child. Apart of him is in me and I am going somewhere far away and anything could happen. I mean this could be the last time I ever see him (insert melodramatic sigh).

Luckily the last few days have been wonderful. I made a point to try and be as sweet and kind as I can so we could really enjoy these last few days before I go. Man, I am making it sound like I am going to die, but what if I do?! 

I decided to write him a cute little note for everyday that I am gone. Just a memory or a reason why I love him. I loved doing this because it forced me to think through some of these moments and really ponder and enjoy the sweetness of the past 6 months. 

(I also bought him a deep tissue message on Groupon for a great deal!)

I gave this to him last night and then asked him to add some movies to my phone so I can watch on the long plane and bus rides and to just leave some good chill music on there. This morning I woke up to only this left in my music:

It's our wedding song and all the Islander music I love. Is he trying to make me miss him eve more when I am gone!?

"Don't cry for me, AAAAAAAAron!"

Vamos Argentina!

I've Changed...

It’s hard to fully comprehend the hormonal change that happens during pregnancy. I’ve heard stories but never fully understood until now. The hard thing for me to understand at the time was whether those feelings are hormonal or other feelings from the recent loss of job and stresses of a newlywed. But something has happened to me in the last few months, I have changed and I am not happy about it.

I’ve been known to speak without thinking but the things I have said and done so far during this pregnancy I sometimes just can’t believe, the anger and sadness I feel and the willingness I have to express those feelings. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and I sometimes find myself in a deep depression.

For a while I was still furious about loosing my job and then sad feeling like I couldn’t move forward with a career knowing that in just a few months I would want to be home with my baby. I didn’t understand why I was so mad, I have been through much tougher and gut-wrenching realities than this but it consumed me. And at times I still feel like a total failure.

I’ve been disappointed that I had dreamed and trained for Ironman Cozumel and I now I am not going to be able to do it anymore. Plus the stress of $700 going to waste because they don’t refund the money no matter what happens.

I fear that even though I am pregnant it was and is still possible to loose the baby at any point. And the fear consumes me at times.

Then there is guilt I feel when I am frustrated with being pregnant even though I should be joyful. And the sadness I felt for my friends who have been trying for years and still don’t know why they are unable to have children.

And the guilt for the way that I treat people around me, like recently lashing out at my sister in law, or the random lady at Zupas that wouldn’t take my order because they were too busy.  But then there is my husband who I am pretty sure he worries on a number of occasions if he had made the right decision in marrying such a crazy lady.

All these feelings have kept me up late at night trying to hide the tears from my husband.

To put it bluntly I have lost myself. I have lost the joy for life I once had, I don’t bounce back like I use to, I don’t have a desire for success like I use to. I have found a comfort in doing nothing and yet sadness in feeling like a failure. There has been nowhere to go because deep down something is keeping me from that.

All of these struggles may seem miniscule to many of you, and I would agree that they probably are, but something has changed within me and these little things have built up in me to where I have lost myself.

I write this because I know there are others out there who have felt or continue to feel the same way I do. Elder Holland spoke beautifully about struggles like these.

You can call it hormones, depression, anxiety, fear, etc. I don’t have all the answers. But I do know that fun, crazy Bree is deep down here somewhere and I am determined to get her out again!

I am not one to run away from problems but I think sometimes it’s good to take a step back and breath. So I will be heading out to Argentina to take a deep breath. Remind myself of a time when true happiness filled my soul and hope that I will figure out how to get through the next phase of life with a deeper appreciation for my Savior and my weaknesses. 

VAMOS ARGENTINA!!!

Part 2... We're Having A Baby!

Just two weeks after losing my job I took a pregnancy test to find out that we are having a baby!

I wasn't shocked, I kind of knew this would happen soon after marriage. Aaron said to me, "It's up to you but I would prefer we dont wait, I mean, I am already 30... we need to get going soon!"

30 is NOT too late but he's wanted to have babies for a long time and he was ready to get the show on the road.

So here it is, part two of why I haven't been blogging. I havent felt 100% to do anything and I really couldn't get back into blogging about the Ironman because it sadly wont be happening this year (Ironman 2014 here I come). Anyone that looks kind of like me want to race in my place??? I did already pay $700 and there are no returns!

I may not be able to race this year but come May 25th before or after we will be welcoming a new baby into our home and we couldn't be more excited!

Part 1 Of Why I Have Been MIA

I was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it but now I am...

A few weeks after being married we headed out on a family vacation, I was worried about leaving my job again for a week and stressed about it a lot but I also knew spending this time with my new family was really important.

I spent the week prior finishing all my projects and training the secretary on how to do the part of my job that she could. I worked hard that week trying to finish all the paperwork for every single employee so that we could finally get health benefits. I along with my coworker did over 20 interviews and found six solid new employees. I finished the design and orders for the new apparel. I set up lunch for our 80+ employees. And I set up an awesome system so that my coworkers would have an easier time getting through all the resumes and interviews for the week I was gone. All the while making sure to take down any absences, dealing with employee dissatisfaction and having to fire some employees.

All in all I ROCKED it and left feeling good about what I did.

On my way back I called to check into work to find out they had an awesome week finding new employees and getting stuff done while I was gone, so I was excited to get and join them.

When I got to work the next morning one of my bosses called me in to tell me that they were firing me, without explanation they told me to sign a piece of paper and to pack up my office.  On the paper I read I was being fired for insubordination.

Like a criminal they sent in someone to watch me pack up my stuff and make sure I wouldn’t steal anything.  After almost a year of taking the company credit card, buy gifts and gift cards for all our employees, never ONCE taking anything for myself and they had to watch me pack up my office?

I begged for some sort of clarity and the boss said he had overheard me complain about my work load and that I said I wouldn’t do my work. Mind you he “overheard” and because of that he didn’t hear correctly and just assumed that I meant I wouldn’t do my work.

I will admit that I had complained about my large work load with little pay but I worked for a startup and couldn’t expect much more. My understanding of insubordination would mean that I had blatantly had chosen to not to do my work, but clearly I had done it all before I left and if that truly was the issue they should have let me go before I left on vacation.

After weeks of anger and frustration at myself and completely failing on my interviews do to a lack of confidence in myself I received a phone call from my other boss checking in on me.

I couldn’t hold back my frustration and wondered why he was calling when I left the company on such a bad note. He then apologized unaware of the whole situation. Apparently their decision was solely based on the fact that they were able to get all the things done without me. All the policies and procedures I had put into place were working and it made sense to make a cut to lower their bottom line.

It had nothing to do with me. I was supposed to be laid off, not fired. Knowing the other boss well I concluded his reasoning for putting that I was fired instead of laid off was to avoid any unemployment situations. It is very easy to get unemployment when you have been laid off and then the companies insurance goes up.

Still frustrated I applied for unemployment out of spite and won. I only collected one week even though I was out for two months but I felt like I was wrong for pushing for it out of spite and not total necessity.

Business is business and I get why I was let go. If they could cut cost and still get the work done then I am fine with that.  What I will never be o.k with was how I was let go and how I was treated after I put my whole heart into the company. I really do wish them the best of luck in the endeavors and hope they find success. 

As of a few weeks ago I decided to go back to substitute teaching and I am loving it. Even though I am only in a class for a day or less I feel like I have a chance to make a difference in some kids life and hopefully excite them about education.

I may not officially be an Ironman Woman but I continue to be tested in more ways then I ever dreamt of in my life and am becoming an Ironman Woman mentally and hopefully physically. I am grateful for the hardships that are shaping me into the woman I want to be and hopefully I will actually learn from my mistakes, grow stronger, and be better.

Tune in next time for Part 2 of why I haven’t been blogging.