It’s hard to fully comprehend the hormonal change that
happens during pregnancy. I’ve heard stories but never fully understood until
now. The hard thing for me to understand at the time was whether those feelings
are hormonal or other feelings from the recent loss of job and stresses of a
newlywed. But something has happened to me in the last few months, I have
changed and I am not happy about it.
I’ve been known to speak without thinking but the things I
have said and done so far during this pregnancy I sometimes just can’t believe,
the anger and sadness I feel and the willingness I have to express those
feelings. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and I sometimes find myself in a
deep depression.
For a while I was still furious about loosing my job and
then sad feeling like I couldn’t move forward with a career knowing that in
just a few months I would want to be home with my baby. I didn’t understand why
I was so mad, I have been through much tougher and gut-wrenching realities than
this but it consumed me. And at times I still feel like a total failure.
I’ve been disappointed that I had dreamed and trained for
Ironman Cozumel and I now I am not going to be able to do it anymore. Plus the
stress of $700 going to waste because they don’t refund the money no matter
what happens.
I fear that even though I am pregnant it was and is still
possible to loose the baby at any point. And the fear consumes me at times.
Then there is guilt I feel when I am
frustrated with being pregnant even though I should be joyful. And the sadness
I felt for my friends who have been trying for years and still don’t know why
they are unable to have children.
And the guilt for the way that I treat people around me,
like recently lashing out at my sister in law, or the random lady at Zupas that
wouldn’t take my order because they were too busy. But then there is my husband who I am pretty
sure he worries on a number of occasions if he had made the right decision in
marrying such a crazy lady.
All these feelings have kept me up late at night trying to
hide the tears from my husband.
To put it bluntly I have lost myself. I have lost the joy
for life I once had, I don’t bounce back like I use to, I don’t have a desire
for success like I use to. I have found a comfort in doing nothing and yet
sadness in feeling like a failure. There has been nowhere to go because deep
down something is keeping me from that.
All of these struggles may seem miniscule to many of you,
and I would agree that they probably are, but something has changed within me
and these little things have built up in me to where I have lost myself.
I write this because I know there are others out there who
have felt or continue to feel the same way I do. Elder Holland spoke
beautifully about struggles like these.
You can call it hormones, depression, anxiety, fear, etc. I
don’t have all the answers. But I do know that fun, crazy Bree is deep down
here somewhere and I am determined to get her out again!
I am not one to run away from problems but I think sometimes
it’s good to take a step back and breath. So I will be heading out to Argentina
to take a deep breath. Remind myself of a time when true happiness filled my
soul and hope that I will figure out how to get through the next phase of life
with a deeper appreciation for my Savior and my weaknesses.
VAMOS ARGENTINA!!!
Sounds like we need another girls night! Call me when you get back from Argentina!
ReplyDeleteI've never been pregnant, so I can't say this from experience, but from my health background I can tell you that all those feelings are normal with pregnancy. No, that doesn't make it any easier. It's good to look for something each and every day to be grateful for, and to find things to do or think about that will distract you.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that no one would want you to feel guilty for being pregnant- not even your friends how have had trouble getting pregnant. They would want you to be happy, just as happy as they would be once they got pregnant themselves.
:)
Bree.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through this rough time. It takes lots of guts to put it out there. I couldn't do it. I do feel like since I took a different path than you (2 yr old and 4 yr old!) , and have been in similar situations, I might have some advice. Plus we are Gina's and I love you!
1. Don't beat yourself up. It wont do any good. Look at the thoughts you're having and ask yourself if they are from the Lord or the adversary. Ask yourself if you're filling your life with darkness or light. Stop the dark. Welcome and invite the light.
2. Realize that even with things like mental illness (or temporary mental illness "baby blues"), you choose your life. You are not a victim. You can choose to be happy. For some that might mean going to see a counselor, for some getting on medication, for some just a little more scripture study and things like positive affirmations to self. There is ALWAYS something you can do. Decide that you are worth it, and do it. It might just mean forcing yourself out of bed for a light run because you know you're a daughter of God and you need to take care of your body. In other words, even if you have no motivation for yourself, take a step out of your comfort zone because you know what life is truly about and you know this isn't what you want for yourself.
3. Look at your life as if you were watching yourself in a snow globe without any emotional attachments. Sometimes our emotions are our worst enemy. If you can look into your life from afar, without all of the emotion, simple solutions present themselves and you can actually see things clearly.
4. Remember the jalapeno and grape analogy. It's really hard to taste a grape when there is a jalapeño in our mouth. Remove the jalapeño so you can taste the grape. The grape is direction, clarity, and peace from Heavenly Father to his loved daughter, Bree. The jalapeño is all of the hurt, sadness, pain, disappointment you might be feeling from the job loss, ect. There truly is a way to remove that jalapeño and we are so lucky that we know about it. The Atonement. It's not just for when we mess up. Christ has suffered for every pain, heart ache, and disappointment we've had. He can and will take this heart ache away from you if and when you are ready to give it up to Him and let go. For some, medical intervention and counseling is needed as well, but it is my personal belief that handing these heartaches over to the Savior and realizing what he has done for us is enough for so many. He has promised you joy. He will bless you with peace as you turn to Him in the hardships of this life and choose to trust.
Lastly, I know how real and how hard these times can be. Because we are friends, and because I know how the adversary works, I also want to give you a little "warning" if you will. The adversary sometimes uses these weak moments in our lives to get us really confused, and to make big mistakes. And I'm not talking about getting in a tiff with your sister in law. Just be on the look out and call it for what it is. When he tries to put some stupid thought in your mind, no matter what its about, call it for what it is. Usually they are lies. Half truths. Exaggerated negatives. Commit yourself to the Lords side as you fight this battle and He will win. Happiness will win. You will overcome with His help! LOVES my Gina!!! Call or text if you ever need to talk!!! XoXOxo
Mel
I just saw a link to your post and I had to comment. I am 24 weeks along, and looking back I can say that my first trimester was the hardest time in my life. I too, just lost my zest for life. I was embarrassed to, say the D-word, but in a breakdown one night I finally admitted to myself and my husband that I was depressed! I think that there are a few things that are very important to remember, one, is that THIS IS TEMPORARY. Our bodies are going through crazy changes to bring this little life into the world. It will get better. The second thing is you can always turn to your father in heaven for support, or ask your husband for a blessing! Lastly, depression and such are just part of this life unfortunately, and you shouldn't be embarrassed to seek help, or in extreme conditions, the benefits of medication outweigh the cons. I endured, and I can tell you that I have never been more level headed that I am right now in my second trimester. Hang in there!
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