Loving and Leaving

When I first decided for sure I was heading to Argentina I didn’t think that I would worry too much about leaving my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly and I would HATE it if he left me for 10 days, but I thought it would be easy on my end.

But the last week it has kicked in and I am so sad knowing that in less then 5 hours I am leaving him for 10 days. I don’t really know how people do it so much and so often.

I think part of the sadness is that I am going to a different country without him and I am carrying his child. Apart of him is in me and I am going somewhere far away and anything could happen. I mean this could be the last time I ever see him (insert melodramatic sigh).

Luckily the last few days have been wonderful. I made a point to try and be as sweet and kind as I can so we could really enjoy these last few days before I go. Man, I am making it sound like I am going to die, but what if I do?! 

I decided to write him a cute little note for everyday that I am gone. Just a memory or a reason why I love him. I loved doing this because it forced me to think through some of these moments and really ponder and enjoy the sweetness of the past 6 months. 

(I also bought him a deep tissue message on Groupon for a great deal!)

I gave this to him last night and then asked him to add some movies to my phone so I can watch on the long plane and bus rides and to just leave some good chill music on there. This morning I woke up to only this left in my music:

It's our wedding song and all the Islander music I love. Is he trying to make me miss him eve more when I am gone!?

"Don't cry for me, AAAAAAAAron!"

Vamos Argentina!

I've Changed...

It’s hard to fully comprehend the hormonal change that happens during pregnancy. I’ve heard stories but never fully understood until now. The hard thing for me to understand at the time was whether those feelings are hormonal or other feelings from the recent loss of job and stresses of a newlywed. But something has happened to me in the last few months, I have changed and I am not happy about it.

I’ve been known to speak without thinking but the things I have said and done so far during this pregnancy I sometimes just can’t believe, the anger and sadness I feel and the willingness I have to express those feelings. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and I sometimes find myself in a deep depression.

For a while I was still furious about loosing my job and then sad feeling like I couldn’t move forward with a career knowing that in just a few months I would want to be home with my baby. I didn’t understand why I was so mad, I have been through much tougher and gut-wrenching realities than this but it consumed me. And at times I still feel like a total failure.

I’ve been disappointed that I had dreamed and trained for Ironman Cozumel and I now I am not going to be able to do it anymore. Plus the stress of $700 going to waste because they don’t refund the money no matter what happens.

I fear that even though I am pregnant it was and is still possible to loose the baby at any point. And the fear consumes me at times.

Then there is guilt I feel when I am frustrated with being pregnant even though I should be joyful. And the sadness I felt for my friends who have been trying for years and still don’t know why they are unable to have children.

And the guilt for the way that I treat people around me, like recently lashing out at my sister in law, or the random lady at Zupas that wouldn’t take my order because they were too busy.  But then there is my husband who I am pretty sure he worries on a number of occasions if he had made the right decision in marrying such a crazy lady.

All these feelings have kept me up late at night trying to hide the tears from my husband.

To put it bluntly I have lost myself. I have lost the joy for life I once had, I don’t bounce back like I use to, I don’t have a desire for success like I use to. I have found a comfort in doing nothing and yet sadness in feeling like a failure. There has been nowhere to go because deep down something is keeping me from that.

All of these struggles may seem miniscule to many of you, and I would agree that they probably are, but something has changed within me and these little things have built up in me to where I have lost myself.

I write this because I know there are others out there who have felt or continue to feel the same way I do. Elder Holland spoke beautifully about struggles like these.

You can call it hormones, depression, anxiety, fear, etc. I don’t have all the answers. But I do know that fun, crazy Bree is deep down here somewhere and I am determined to get her out again!

I am not one to run away from problems but I think sometimes it’s good to take a step back and breath. So I will be heading out to Argentina to take a deep breath. Remind myself of a time when true happiness filled my soul and hope that I will figure out how to get through the next phase of life with a deeper appreciation for my Savior and my weaknesses. 

VAMOS ARGENTINA!!!

Part 2... We're Having A Baby!

Just two weeks after losing my job I took a pregnancy test to find out that we are having a baby!

I wasn't shocked, I kind of knew this would happen soon after marriage. Aaron said to me, "It's up to you but I would prefer we dont wait, I mean, I am already 30... we need to get going soon!"

30 is NOT too late but he's wanted to have babies for a long time and he was ready to get the show on the road.

So here it is, part two of why I haven't been blogging. I havent felt 100% to do anything and I really couldn't get back into blogging about the Ironman because it sadly wont be happening this year (Ironman 2014 here I come). Anyone that looks kind of like me want to race in my place??? I did already pay $700 and there are no returns!

I may not be able to race this year but come May 25th before or after we will be welcoming a new baby into our home and we couldn't be more excited!

Part 1 Of Why I Have Been MIA

I was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it but now I am...

A few weeks after being married we headed out on a family vacation, I was worried about leaving my job again for a week and stressed about it a lot but I also knew spending this time with my new family was really important.

I spent the week prior finishing all my projects and training the secretary on how to do the part of my job that she could. I worked hard that week trying to finish all the paperwork for every single employee so that we could finally get health benefits. I along with my coworker did over 20 interviews and found six solid new employees. I finished the design and orders for the new apparel. I set up lunch for our 80+ employees. And I set up an awesome system so that my coworkers would have an easier time getting through all the resumes and interviews for the week I was gone. All the while making sure to take down any absences, dealing with employee dissatisfaction and having to fire some employees.

All in all I ROCKED it and left feeling good about what I did.

On my way back I called to check into work to find out they had an awesome week finding new employees and getting stuff done while I was gone, so I was excited to get and join them.

When I got to work the next morning one of my bosses called me in to tell me that they were firing me, without explanation they told me to sign a piece of paper and to pack up my office.  On the paper I read I was being fired for insubordination.

Like a criminal they sent in someone to watch me pack up my stuff and make sure I wouldn’t steal anything.  After almost a year of taking the company credit card, buy gifts and gift cards for all our employees, never ONCE taking anything for myself and they had to watch me pack up my office?

I begged for some sort of clarity and the boss said he had overheard me complain about my work load and that I said I wouldn’t do my work. Mind you he “overheard” and because of that he didn’t hear correctly and just assumed that I meant I wouldn’t do my work.

I will admit that I had complained about my large work load with little pay but I worked for a startup and couldn’t expect much more. My understanding of insubordination would mean that I had blatantly had chosen to not to do my work, but clearly I had done it all before I left and if that truly was the issue they should have let me go before I left on vacation.

After weeks of anger and frustration at myself and completely failing on my interviews do to a lack of confidence in myself I received a phone call from my other boss checking in on me.

I couldn’t hold back my frustration and wondered why he was calling when I left the company on such a bad note. He then apologized unaware of the whole situation. Apparently their decision was solely based on the fact that they were able to get all the things done without me. All the policies and procedures I had put into place were working and it made sense to make a cut to lower their bottom line.

It had nothing to do with me. I was supposed to be laid off, not fired. Knowing the other boss well I concluded his reasoning for putting that I was fired instead of laid off was to avoid any unemployment situations. It is very easy to get unemployment when you have been laid off and then the companies insurance goes up.

Still frustrated I applied for unemployment out of spite and won. I only collected one week even though I was out for two months but I felt like I was wrong for pushing for it out of spite and not total necessity.

Business is business and I get why I was let go. If they could cut cost and still get the work done then I am fine with that.  What I will never be o.k with was how I was let go and how I was treated after I put my whole heart into the company. I really do wish them the best of luck in the endeavors and hope they find success. 

As of a few weeks ago I decided to go back to substitute teaching and I am loving it. Even though I am only in a class for a day or less I feel like I have a chance to make a difference in some kids life and hopefully excite them about education.

I may not officially be an Ironman Woman but I continue to be tested in more ways then I ever dreamt of in my life and am becoming an Ironman Woman mentally and hopefully physically. I am grateful for the hardships that are shaping me into the woman I want to be and hopefully I will actually learn from my mistakes, grow stronger, and be better.

Tune in next time for Part 2 of why I haven’t been blogging. 

I Married A Has-Ben

My husband isn't one to be the center of attention. Well, he doesn't try to be like someone we all know...

He was the kid that just was without trying; Homecoming King, Eagle Scout, football star, scholar athlete, seminary attendee, friend to all, etc.

I mean just check out his old football profile, he was recruited by 11 schools!

After working to save up for a mission he left for the Philippines and then headed to BYU on a full ride scholarship.  He red shirted his freshman year and then had a terrible injury his sophomore year which took him on a 1.5 year journey of recovery. He decided in that time to give up his full ride and they gave him an academic scholarship. What THE?! First a full ride athletic scholarship and then when that doesn't work out they give him an academic one!? I was lucky to even get into college. 

While watching the game last night I thought about what our lives would be like if he hadn't gotten injured and where he might be. From what I hear from his most loyal fans he would've gone onto something more, NFL maybe. How cool I would be married to a guy in the NFL, how cool it would be to be making tons of money and be known by the world, or that's what some might think. I know there are a lot of people out there feeling like they missed their big shot, feeling like life threw them some unfair passes and constantly talking about the things they could've done. 

But not my husband. He rarely talks about it, in fact he doesn't even really watch the sport anymore. Some think its because he didn't get his shot but deep down I know its because he has realized whats really important. 

He has now devoted his life to training kids to help them avoid injuries and is trying to teach them to be more aware of their bodies like his parents tried to teach him. He has turned his life to God and helps us prepare our Sunday School lessons for the kids at church. He devotes his time to making me happy and making sure that I have all I need. He is the sweetest, kindest, most loving, and funny guy I know. And I get him for the rest of eternity. Football isn't his love anymore and I am grateful his career didn't go much further. I don't have to worry about further injuries or time away from the family on important days. And even though I was a jersey chaser most of my life I am glad this jersey was retired before I met him. 

I married a has-been and I couldn't be happier. 

Forgiving Those Who Trespass Against You

Recently I felt I was wronged by some people close to me. I was shocked by how I was treated and couldn't even find the words to defend myself. I just left the situation and never turned back. 

I have spent the last few weeks dreaming about the things that I could say to "get back at them" and defend myself. I have spent hours rehearsing the things in my head with hopes that one day I will barge in on a cloud (or a horse, or something cool and worthy of this awesome entrance) and they will apologize profusely for the way they treated me.

Well, I have realized that an apology will most likely never surface and nothing good would come from me parading around demanding respect.

A few weeks ago I started listening to: "For All Eternity" by Dr. John Lund, we got it as a wedding gift and it truly has been an inspiration!

It is meant for husband and wife but has been giving me direction on how to overcome these resentful feelings I have harbored lately. The last talk is focused solely on forgiveness and has truly opened my eyes to the importance of forgiving those who have trespassed against me. We have been taught over and over again that it is our duty to forgive:

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. D&C 18:10

Dr. Lund tells a true story of a women who was kidnapped, rapped, stabbed and then shot at in hopes to kill her, but only took out her eyes which made her blind. Her husband then left her unable to accept that she was violated. The man was caught but only served 7 years in prison and then was released.  She spoke at a school where a kid asked her how she was able to go on knowing that he was free. She responded "I will not give this man my todays or tomorrows".

How many of us our giving those who have wronged us our todays and tomorrows? How many of us are wasting our time thinking about what we are going to say that might make us feel better?

For, if ye forgive men their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you; 3 Ne 13:14

More importantly who wants to receive forgiveness? Who is in need for forgiveness right now for their trespasses? I know I am and I know that if I cannot forgive others I myself will never receive the forgiveness I need. 

So I vow today that I will not give these people my todays or tomorrows. Today I will forgive and tomorrow I will live to enjoy my life without a dark cloud hanging over me. 

I LOVE to Dance!

Some clips from the funnest wedding dance party!

Wedding Dance Party

Wedding Rehearsal Dinner

Most people who do a Rehearsal Dinner actually do some sort of rehearsal and have a nice dinner, yadi yadi yah.

We instead did something a little more unconventional but AWESOME.

We had game day at my husbands sports facility in American Fork, Velocity.

We got some pizza.

We ended up having almost 80 people there. 

My cute sis in law. 

Some of Aaron's friends and family.

One of my new sisters in law and her sister, pretty much everyone was invited. 

We had an Ice Cream Machine.

The kids found anything to roll on.

The Redfern boys starting young.

The girls too.

  We did a tire flipping contest. My husband of course won...8 flips in 30 seconds.

We are all grateful Bubba's pants didn't rip. 

Yes, my brother wore a FULL ON football jersey...

I took it back to the good ole days and got inside the tire, this is the scar from being rolled while inside.

The girls did it too. 

Lindsey's winning dance.

She was surprised by her own strength.

Jordan killed it looking HOT. 

I did 10 he only did 8, of course mine was like half the size...

Then we had a throwing Football Competition. 

I am probably talking about how far I am going to throw the ball. 

The Mom's killed it.

This follow through is Amazing...

This was such a fun night, I think one of the best ways you can celebrate a union of love with two athletes! 

I Met My Husband 14 Weeks Ago

I met my HUSBAND 14 weeks ago.

Yes I really did and to many of you that is crazy, truly insane, irresponsible, or just plain dumb.

I've heard it all.

Lately I have been noticing a lot more the excuses or defenses people use when some one makes a comment about how quickly they got married or how early they decided to have a kid. My heart sinks as I hear people feel the need to make justifications so that the other person feels better about the eternal decision they made.

And then I begin to wondered why it is that people are so worried for others decisions when it comes to marriage and starting a family. The world has gone a little crazy and it would SEEM that people who get married too quickly or have kids to quickly seem to be the ones that have the most issues or the most divorces.

However, (now, I am not an expert) I've met couples who waited years to get married or have kids but still chose to get divorced. I also know a lot of couples that got married quickly or had kids right away and have a great marriage.

I think we have lost sight on the formula for a good marriage and think that time and age should be most of the deciding factor when a couple makes that eternal decision.

There are a few things that I decided to take a second look at before I took the leap of faith (or crap shoot as my boss calls getting married, because sometimes you really just don't know what's going to happen) :

1.) Am I ready to make the covenant in the temple I prepared ALL my life to make and not just when I met him?
                       -Yes.

2.) Is he ready to commit 100% to me?
                       -I hope so ;)

3.) Am I marrying him just for his physical features?
                      -My husband is physically everything I have wanted but no, I like who he is too ;)

4.) Deep down does it feel right?
                      -More right then I could have imagined.

It just felt right and not any joke, unkind word, or counsel that they felt like was from God to me could change the fact that it just fit perfectly, like a glove, like I had always wanted.

Our marriage is crazy, unpredictable and hard at times because we are still learning about each other. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I am learning more about myself and what I need to change then I could have ever learned a lone. And those moments when I feel like it just fits come along I couldn't be happier.

So I vow to never excuse my decision that I married the man of my dreams after 11 weeks of knowing him. I vow to never try to justify to make anyone else feel better about MY decision to start my eternal family. What I vow is to keep my covenants and prepare my family and myself to face my maker one day.

"Choose who you love and love your choice" and people, stop trying to choose when that love develops or comes for others. Let them make their own choice, God does.

The Wedding Weekend

The AWESOME details to come...

I Love You...

...this is a statement I have use quite lightly for most of my life. 

When I was a girl, before my family went to bed we would have scripture study then my parents made us give them a kiss and say I love you before we could leave their room. We say "I love you" quite often actually, you wont talk to a Redfern without them saying "I love you" or "love ya" before they hang up the phone. It's a phrase that comes out of my mouth fairly easy but I can still honestly say I mean it. 

But this good habit has led me to saying "I love you" earlier then most others: to the person I met at a party for the first time, to the stranger on the street, to the teacher who gave me the good grade, etc. Whether I thought I meant it or it was just out of habit there are also many boys I have shared these three words with...

...which is why I was DETERMINED to not be the first to say it to Aaron.

After we started dating things went very quickly (obviously) and we actually talked about marriage before these three words were even said. 

I felt on a few occasions the desire to say it, but I wanted to make sure I was going to mean it, because it was going to be for eternity. There may have been a time or two while hanging up the phone or leaving for the day when I had to hold back from letting those words come out.

One night (about a week after we made it official) I went out with one of my best friends Jordan to a girls night out thing while Aaron played in some softball games. Towards the end of the night I started to feel anxious to see him and got home as soon as I could to only see that he was still in the shower. I banged on the door and told him to hurry! He giggled at me and told me to relax (his favorite word to use with me) and asked why I was so hyper. I just responded all giddily that I was just excited to see him.

He got dressed after his shower, snuggled up next to me and kissed me. With all smiles I asked him about his night and he just questioned again why I was so giddy. I laughed and giggled and just responded with "I dunno! I am just happy to see you." I really don't know why I was feeling the way I was, nothing particular happened that night, I just couldn't hold back how happy I was. 

Then all of a sudden it hit me...I loved him. I knew it, I could feel it so intensely that my eyes started to water up and my smile caved. He looked at me with so much concern begging me to tell him what was up. I told him nothing and tried to change the subject.

There was NO WAY I was going to say these three words first.

He pried and pried but I kept my mouth shut. He wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling but I knew he knew and I wasn't going to say it first.  

He looked at me with so much adornment and love and then said to me, "I love you too." I giggled grabbed him close and kissed him then asked him to say it again, he did. And we kissed some more. A few moments later I responded with "I love you." 

I do love him and in that moment I felt it. I know that our love is young and that we have so much more to come and there may be moments when that love doesn't feel like it did in that moment. I cannot wait for that love to grow even more as we set out to make it official for eternity.